A few years back, I was surprisingly elected to serve in this leadership position. I had to work with this committee consisting of a few other people. As the pioneers of this club, we did not have any seniors to look up to. I was totally clueless about what’s expected of me to do. Hence, I did what I felt was right. One fine boring day, we were having training. I felt the team’s moral was kind of low, so I decided to do something different, just some light trainings followed by something I thought would be fun. Before we start the ‘fun’ activity, 2 members, 1 of them a committee member, went off to do other stuffs. I felt super pissed. I mean why can’t they be more supportive? Especially since 1 of them is a committee member. After training, I decided to talk to the 2 of them. That’s when the volcano erupted. I started questioning them about their actions. To cut things short (actually all that happened, was JUST some shouting and screaming), some other committee members came in to add some ice, and all of us walk out with the urge to kill each other. Being someone who’s pretty laid back, open to ideas and with mild temper, it was a situation I never expected to be in. I felt I wasn’t in the wrong, hence there’s no need for me to do anything. I thought that, it will be a full-stop, everything will be fine after ‘a while', and if there’s anything, we can always talk about it nicely and come to a conclusion. But wells, what really happened, were that the two of us keep communication between each other to a minimum. The feeling is just s****.
Sometimes, I wonder, was I so totally right? Is there really no wrong with my actions? What would happen if I choose not to approach them? Is there a better way out? Is there anything else I could have done back then? Mm...
Eventually, the ‘a while’ turns out to be a few years. We happened to meet unexpectedly, though things were kind of weird at first, but, at least we chatted. By then a much more mature me armed with much more wisdom then before, realised that, actually there’s no such thing such as who’s right who’s wrong. Everyone’s right. It’s just a matter of perspective. What everyone wanted back then, was for the best interest for the team, just that we were standing at different angles.
Take a step back, and the view would be much clearer. It takes so much effort to hate someone, so why bother? Instead, why don’t we just try to be a bit more understanding, throw away that worthless ego and life would be so much better.
“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.”
Dr. Laurence J. Peter
xoxo,
Student A
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hi Andy,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the interesting post. I think many people would have experienced similar conflicts before, especially if they were or are in leadership positions. I've heard many people say before and agree that when we put ourselves up for leadership positions, we're usually "objects" of opposition. This could be due to jealousy, differing opinions and expectations, unpopular decisions made by you, and many other reasons.
I think it was good that you decided to be frank with the two members with what you felt about their actions. However, there wasn't much elaboration about the way this was done in. Since you mentioned that you were furious with them and subsequently confronted them about their actions after the practice, could you have approached them in a manner less tactful than if you could have done if you were calmer?
I had a similar experience before. I had many friends who were very frustrated with the attitude and actions of another mutual friend. As I was a relatively close friend of hers, I was contemplating one day if I should call her to talk about the issues the others had with her. I knew that this conversation could only end in one of two ways: our friendship will end after that, or we would become closer friends who understand each other. However, seeing how much her actions were impacting others negatively and hence the necessity to confront her, I decided to make the telephone call anyway. I did it with as tactful a tone as I could and a listening ear. Thank God she took it quite well and she's now one of my closest friends.
Hence for your situation, I think if you've confronted the 2 members in as polite a manner as you could, then I believe that you've done your part to resolve the issue. It would then be up to them to act in a manner befitting of a committee member. In the meantime, you could and I'm sure you did continue to encourage the rest of the members in your club.
I'm glad that you managed to reconcile, at least a little with one of them eventually. Hopefully, with this experience, it'll better equip you for other leadership positions :)
~ Jia Lin
Hey Andy,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the sharing. Wow, it seemed like your first leadership position wasn't easy. You must have felt quite sianz when they didn't want to join in the activity. I certainly would feel that way too.
After a heated argument, I guess it's usually not so easy to get back on to talking terms straightaway. If I were in your position, I probably would have talked to some of the other committee members who were not part of the heated argument first to hear what they would have to say. Perhaps they would reveal a side of the story that I was not aware of (like underlying currents etc. which a leader is sometimes kept in the dark about). Usually these friends can also suggest a way to mediate the patching up process. When neutral parties are around, I often feel more comfortable apologising whether or not I'm in the right. Ultimately, it'll help all sides and the club as a whole.
Cheers
Ben
Andy, this incident must have left quite an 'impression', so much so that a few years down the road, you could still recall much of what transpired!
ReplyDeleteI believe it must have very much troubled / bothered you at that particular point in time, and now, given the opportunity to look back, has allowed you to gain new insights into the conflict.
From the descriptive words you used - "surprisingly", "did not have any seniors to look up to", "totally clueless", and that you did "what (you) felt were right", I could sense that it was not an easy position to be in. It would be 'natural', for anyone in your shoes, to feel unappreciated when others do not value your effort.
You mentioned that 'the volcano erupted' when you decided to talk to the two of them, that the discussion ended after much shouting and screaming. Could you recall how you 'talked' to them? The words ‘shouting’ and ‘screaming’ certainly do not paint a cordial picture of the ‘talk.
You asked very relevant questions, Andy, and have provided insightful retrospection (with a very appropriate picture uploaded too) - that it is all a matter of perspective. With this in mind, could the conflict be avoided had you approached them differently, as what Jia Lin has shared?
Hi,
ReplyDeleteThanks all for the insightful comments. I only remember, not all, but part of the conversation we had. However, it’s just some bits and pieces, can’t really make sense of the sequence. Whatever happens in that room, on that fateful day, it all seems like just 2 sentences and it ended within a minute. And it’s something I really do not want to remember.
I feel that probably, this whole conflict resulted from a buildup of unhappiness between the two of us over time and that day just happens to be a day that both parties reached a breaking point. Hence, if giving a chance to go back to that period of my life, what I would have done, will be, to build a better working relationship with my whole committee. From the very first day the committee was formed, I should have done more and to discuss my plans with everyone. This would prevent unhappiness among different parties from building up in the first place.
xoxo,
Student A
Hi Jia Lin,
ReplyDeleteWith regards to what you shared about what happened between you and your friend, I am really happy for you that things turned out the way it is. Something similar happened to me before too.
I know these 3 friends (X, Y, Z). All 3 of them were from the same secondary school. I was quite close to all the 3 of them. One fine day, X of them came to me complaining about Z. Saying both Y and himself is super pissed with Z. I was shocked as I thought everything’s well. Hence, I decided to call Y to ask about what happened. After talking to both X and Y, I decided to call Z. However, things didn’t turn out as well as I hoped. Z doesn’t agree to what X and Y had said but he assured me that he will change.
After sometime, as the 3 of them were in different schools, the contact between them starts to fade, so did their friendship. The 3 of them were never as close as before.
xoxo,
Student A